Taking up space: what it means & why I suck at it.

Full disclaimer: this is a desperate bid to feel less shit about being a shit feminist.

You grow out of rasping, “I’m fine, thanks!” when you’re thirsty at a friend’s house.

Apparently. Although I never did.

I’m too conscious of being an inconvenience. Imitating Spongebob in Sandy’s dome sounds more appetising than, “A glass of water, please.”

Me @ the ripe age of 25, still feeling too awkward to ask for a drink.

The Ultimate Feminist Queen™ version of Ellie is self-assertive. But while she holds down the throne in the multiverse, I’m here:

• Slowing down before I get to a zebra crossing, so drivers won’t have to shift their foot an inch.

• Sitting on the floor, even if a chair’s going. (That sofa looks like it could do with a night off.)

• Telling waiting staff, “I’m alright,” without mayo. Then regretting it for the next hour.

• Having panic attacks in public spaces. Destroying a Pizza Express date.

• Amiably cooperating with any suggestion - even if my idea would work better.

That wasn’t (supposed to be) a discreet brag about being selfless.

I’m too ashamed to take up space - and, as a feminist, I’m ashamed about that. I’m meta-ashamed.

Something deeper lurks beneath that (rock bottom) self-esteem. Something sinister shaped my people-pleasing ass. So, I’m going to surface what that is, and why it’s caught me in a chokehold.

What does ‘taking up space’ mean?

Men instinctively take up space. (Think mansplaining and manspreading.)

I’m not just talking about sitting with your knees in different postcodes, though. Men dominate intellectual, professional, social and political spaces with ease. They’re so comfortable taking up space in the world that women are routinely shoved aside.

We’re trained to oblige, too. We involuntarily shrink ourselves to give men more room, by being physically and intellectually:

1. Absent (avoiding entering the space altogether).

2. Invisible (entering the space but remaining unseen/unheard).

There’s a third option that’s kept off-menu. Option three is a rejection of the other two - it’s a refusal to be sidelined. It’s a sweet, sweet act of rebellion.

Taking up space is:

• Allowing yourself to be authentic.

• Expressing your ideas/opinions with conviction.

• Refusing to downplay your needs or talents.

• Accepting your body as it is now.

• Believing your voice is valid.

• Not feeling guilty about occupying physical space.

(There you have it: a non-exhaustive list of things I suck at.)

“Preoccupied with others' experience and unfamiliar with their own needs, women come to depend on the approval of those to whom they give... Under the competent carer who gives to the world lives a hungry, deprived and needy little girl who is unsure and ashamed of her desires and wants.”
― Susie Orbach, Hunger Strike: Starving Amidst Plenty

Shrinking myself was the first habit I picked up.

I started dieting when I was 8 years old, and I celebrated every pound of weight lost. Every inch of space surrendered.

It’s what women are trained to do.

I’m also agoraphobic; I’m genuinely scared of public places. I can’t drive and I struggle to leave home without my husband. (Yes, I hear the long sighs of the suffragettes, too.)

A psychologist would later tell me that anxiety is useful. “That’s how we survived; our fear is what helps keep us safe from predators.” She gave the examples of tigers. You catch sight of a predator, fear sinks in, and you run away.

It’s not my fault. When you think about it, it makes complete sense.

Sure, it’s 2024. Tigers don’t roam about my cul-de-sac. But perhaps the predator can be extrapolated. Recontextualised.

Spaces are designed by men, for men.

Women are defined by our bodies, which are persistently policed - both internally and externally.

Male-dominated legislatures debate our reproductive rights. Weight-loss companies - you know, the ones that profit off our insecurities? - are founded by men. (Who coincidentally have become multi-millionaires.) 90% of FTSE 100 CEOs are men - 96% are white.

“Men do not like… thinking women; too much audacity, culture, intelligence, or character frightens them.” 

― Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex

Invisible Women is a fucking horrifically eye-opening read. For instance, did you know: women are 47% more likely to be seriously injured - and 17% more likely to die - in a car crash?

Even when researchers control for factors such as height, weight, seat-belt usage, and crash intensity. That’s all to do with how the car is designed - and who it’s designed for.

It’s not as simple as building a robust self-esteem. Taking up space in a world that isn’t designed for you is pretttttty much impossible.

Unsafe spaces.

The thought of confidently occupying space sure is appealing. Less appealing is how unsafe that space actually is.

I’m a CisHet white woman. Statistically, that means I’m safer than trans women, women of colour, and women with apparent disabilities.

• 96% of homicide perpetrators worldwide are men.

• 1 in 4 women have been raped or sexually assaulted as an adult.

• 1 in 3 adults who are raped experience it in their own home.

• Women with learning disabilities and mental health conditions are more likely to experience sexual violence.

• 20,000 sexual safety incidents were reported on inpatient mental health wards between 2019 and 2023. (The figure rises each year.)

• Women experiencing domestic abuse report it to the police several times before action is taken. Women of colour are disproportionately dismissed.

• 320 trans and gender-diverse people were killed last year. 94% of those killed were trans women or trans-feminine people.

Now, read those stats again.

How are we supposed to take up space?

“I am not supposed to take up space. And yet, as a feminist, I am encouraged to believe I can take up space. I live in a contradictory space where I should try to take up space but not too much of it, and not in the wrong way, where the wrong way is any way where my body is concerned.”
― Roxane Gay, Hunger: A Memoir of (My) Body

We can try to take up space if it’s safe to do so. But that space is limited. Like plants reaching for sunlight, women must compete for the top spot. Internalised misogyny is sneaky like that.

The space is also heavily guarded. You may be permitted a sliver - if you have a small body (not too small, though). If you have enough money. If you won’t impede a man’s opportunities or desires.

I don’t have the answers; I’m still searching for a solution. What I do know is:

You deserve to take up space.

Next time you hesitate before sharing that bright idea, I hope this article pops into your head. I hope it pisses you off.

You have e-v-e-r-y right to exist comfortably and authentically.

The contrary belief is rooted in - continues to serve - the patriarchy. Spotting our tendencies to shrink/cower away is a good first step to smashing it, I suppose.

If you’re shit at it, don’t worry. That makes two of us 😚✌️

“Your body is an instrument, not an ornament.”